Okay, there has been a lot of talk here in the People’s Republic of Bloglandia about women being pressured or expected or asked to perform sexual acts that they are not comfortable with by men and/or being criticized for various aspects of their bodies and or sexual repertoire by men with whom they are sleeping. For these women I am pleased to present A Henchwoman's Survivalists Guide to Laying Down the Hardline in the Bedroom.
One: The word no should be enough. If a woman does not want to have sex, or is uncomfortable doing a sexual act, or doing a sexual act a certain way, or simply not in the mood, the word No should be enough. End of story. If a male continues on with the pressure or merely takes what he wants, those things are coercion and rape, and are punishable by law. But if you find no gets boring or old, or if it is not so much a matter of coercion and rape, well, I suggest the following tactics for dealing with the penis bearing oppressors when they get out of hand. Here are some examples of “unsavory” male behaviors, questions, and criticisms, and suggested ways to combat them. Take note, I have found a great deal of success using these modes of combat in the sexual battlefield.
Penis-bearing overlord: “Honey, I would really like to do/try anal sex.”
Upstart female: “Really? Me too! Why don’t you assume the position, I will be right back with the toys and lube / bar of butter and a broom handle. You’re going to want to relax, babe.”
Penis-bearing overlord: “I could really go for a blow job.”
Upstart female: “Then go.”
Penis-bearing overlord: “You know, it would be really hot if you arranged a three way for me with your best friend.”
Upstart female: “What makes you think if Donna and I decided to go at it we would invite you?”
Penis-bearing overlord: “Honey, you could stand to loose a little weight.”
Upstart Female: “Considering you’re the one generally on top, you should be the one worried about your figure.”
Penis-bearing overlord: “Honey, you could stand to put on a little weight.”
Upstart Female: “Then fucking learn to cook.”
Penis-bearing overlord: “I wish you had bigger tits.”
Upstart Female: “Well, I wish you had smaller tits and a bigger cock, but I don’t make a big deal about it now, do I?”
Penis-bearing overlord: “You should shave.”
Upstart female: “I’ll get a Brazilian if you will…”
Penis-bearing overlord: “You don’t cook/clean as well as my mom.”
Upstart female: “I am sure I don’t suck dick as well as she does either.”
Penis-bearing overlord: "(insert name of ex here) was much more adventurous in the bedroom than you are."
Upstart female: "She also cheated/destroyed your credit/gave you herpes/set your clothes on fire/got you evicted/smoked weed 24-7/ rolled your car...but feel free to go back to her if it was that great."
Now, for actual tactics…
Penis-bearing overlord grabs the back of your head in an attempt to throat-fuck you when you are not down with that…grab a handful of his hair, either in the pubic region or upper thighs. Pull. Hard. Not only will this generally end his erection, but he will understand the meaning of discomfort as you are experiencing it.
Penis-bearing overlord tries to “sneak in the back door” during regular intercourse. Move, quickly. Glare. Grab his unit. Remind him “gently” you are a front door girl only, and if he wants in any door at all, he will not pull that shit again. Also, you might tell him that generally there is preparation that enthusiasts of anal sex engage in prior to having it, things such as enemas, and him trying to fuck you there unprepared could be a very messy, smelly, and disgusting experience. You’re potential pain may not strike all that real to him, your shit all over his dick? Very real.
Penis bearing overlord does not heed any of these words or less subtle hints? Stop fucking him! Boot his ass! Move on! Stand up for yourself and walk away. He is just a guy, after all, plenty of them out there if you really feel you need one that badly…
Should the penis bearing overlord not get any of those hints, well, then you can embrace the patriarchal assumption that all women are evil (as the good book says) and insane (as popular culture says) and do something like write “Piss off, I know where you live” in pigs blood on his front door, but make sure not to leave any prints…
So, these are things to remember if a plain old “no” just isn’t good enough for you…
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
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45 comments:
Penis-bearing overlord: "(insert name of ex here) was much more adventurous in the bedroom than you are."
Upstart female: "She also cheated/destroyed your credit/gave you herpes/set your clothes on fire/got you evicted/smoked weed 24-7/ rolled your car...but feel free to go back to her if it was that great.
Hey. I've actually had that conversation.
I am so linking to this.
heh, glad you liked it.
Veronica: did you pronounce all the slashes? That would be cool.
Hilarious. I really shouldn't laugh this much when I'm supposed to be doing 'serious' work stuff.
Can I add to the list? When he says, 'Tonight I'm in the mood for something special...'
'Oh yeah? What's that?'
'You know, that special thing...'
'No, I don't know.'
'Hmmmph.' He grouches, you get to finish your book. Score!
Rule of thumb: if he can't say it out loud, ladies, you don't gotta do a goddamn thing.
Petitp:
Hahah, very true, if it cannot be named, it should not be done.
Well,
Sound advice, minus the low-blow:
"He is just a guy, after all, plenty of them out there if you really feel you need one that badly…"
But its true, so I can't object.
-take care.
"If you're doin' it? You should be able to say it."
--BTVS (natch)
Heh.
OK....let me rephrase that: Heheh.
This reminds me of what I call the SmackDog Sex-Positive Principle #49:
"Don't force onto others what you wouldn't want them to do onto you."
But if that doesn't work, a simple bite down or a well-placed knee to the package will do just fine.
The more that men respect what "NO" means; the more they wil appreciate it when she says YES.
If he can't understand that, then he doesn't deserve access to your body. Let him settle for his hand.
Anthony
(Who knows all too well about settling for my hand....LOL)
Brilliant! I'm linking too.
Absolutely Fucking Brilliant!
I'm happy to be able to say, I've never pulled _any_ of this shit on any of the women who have had sex with me.
Actually I suppose they might have been more disappointed that I wasn't more adventurous than I am; everything we ever did was as I recall their idea.
I'd think that just about any of these "assertive" behaviors would have been grounds for an angry discussion right there and then about ending the relationship.
Except I also know what it is to decide that on the whole, a sexually unsatisfying relationship is better than ending it. When that happened, I didn't have any serious sex for eight years, half the time we were together.
But at least this shows I know that "no means no." Anyone, man or woman, who decides to "forge ahead" when the other one has said no should be out and count themselves lucky not to go to jail.
Sadly, I think I understand why it is damn rare for women to even think they might get away with trying this shit whereas men often do it for decades. The deck is stacked.
I think that for a man to do _anything_ a woman performing fellatio on him might not like is pretty damn stupid, but apparently a lot of men are that dumb, and a lot of women that terrified or conditioned or whatever.
one thing bugs me.
<--
Penis-bearing overlord: “I could really go for a blow job.”
Upstart female: “Then go.”
-->
perhaps not the most romantic thing
to say. but how much better could a lover be at communicating his desires to you?
it kind of mixes your message.
So apparently you're opposed to men sharing their sexual fantasies with you. Don't expect him to be willing to listen to your's either.
I'm sure some men can be "Overlords" but some women also believe that having a vagina enables them to manipulate men by using sexual gratification.
Upstart Female: "I want you to go down on me"
Real man: "Sounds like the start of a great night!"
Maybe you should be a little bit more fair to men trying to honestly tell you what they want.
Damn...those are awesome! LMAO!
How about "would you please" or "may I have" a blowjob, instead of making it sound like Upstart Female is a McDonald's Serving Wench there to Smile and Love It?
Your anger and apparently basic antagonism towards men that is evident in these words is merely going to serve to attract to you the kinds of men who will put you in these positions (and all these women with the 'you go girl' responses).
I get that most people are straight, so the whole 'oy, men' thing fits for y'all, but I got to say: an ex-girlfriend of mine did that type of stuff, too. It happens.
Anon said, "but how much better could a lover be at communicating his desires to you?"
I understand the objection, that he was asking without force or harrassment, but to answer your question: Much.
My guy used to lament the infrequency of oral sex and got a snide remark instead of some action. Surprise surprise.
Asking just isn't a turn on. I suggested he'd get his desires better met if he was so wonderful to me that I wanted to please him spectacularly. Instead of asking for what he wants, he delights me with a litany of the things he's about to do for me. I typically reciprocate in kind (if I'm not so spent I'm comatose).
I suppose he could phrase it so he isn't comparing what ought to be a mutually fun sex act to a service or product he might run out and buy on his own whim.
Like, "hey, sweetie, you feel like having some warm, human ice cream right now?" Still commodified, but now _he's_ offering the commodity to _her_, which seems like a more balanced way to make the suggestion to me.
Sorry if that seems lame. I don't get out much. But that's how Natasha first described to me what was in a "blow job" for her, and she was smiling, almost smirking, when she said it. She didn't actually volunteer the info, I asked her what she liked about it.
The last woman I was with didn't agree that's what it was like for her, but she liked doing it for her own reasons.
It's totally OK if two people enjoy outrageous language with each other, if they are in fact on the same wavelength.
A snap back like Renegade put in the dialouge suggests this is a couple that isn't true of, at least not at the moment. She slaps down the "going for" part after all, which suggests the issue is that she's being treated like an interchangable part or a vending machine.
I'm sure you all could slap down my suggestion creatively too. And in even a good relationship, people misjudge each other's moods.
In a good relationship, he'd take the smackdown, maybe quietly walk away for a while, and it would all be water under the bridge and maybe she'd like that kind of outrageousness in some other mood later, and he'll judge more carefully.
But it doesn't sound like a snippet from a good relationship to me.
Nice job! I wished I'd read this in my twenties when I was more timid and less experienced. Also I give you an alternate upstart female answer:
Penis-bearing overlord: “You know, it would be really hot if you arranged a three way for me with your best friend.”
Upstart female: “Really? Cool, I'll call Dominic and see what he's doing tonight!"
I agree; I think being open and communicative is a very good thing, as long as he is in fact willing to take a "no" when you give it.
Also, about the no-say-it-no-do-it rule: it's a good one, but unfortunately does not apply to me, as the boy will tell me absolutely anything he wants. So I can't get out of it that way. Oh, well.
Freakin' hilarious!! You've got a way with words.
Elsewhere you've been branded a "nasty misogynist with a computer." (I confess, I looked it up just to be sure - but I was confident that a misogynist was defined as a "woman hater")
Duh...some people just need to get a grip...but then again, that's all some people will ever get...on themselves...*wink*
Bookmarked to come back for more. :)
I like you...I can relate to what you're writing about.
fascinating post....
To those who have tried to find fault with "A Guide to dealing with men,", I don't believe communication was the main point of this, was it?
No, actually, if you scroll up you'll find it clearly states, "women being pressured or expected or asked to perform sexual acts that they are not comfortable with by men and/or being criticized for various aspects of their bodies and or sexual repertoire by men with whom they are sleeping."
This isn't about guys being nice, so don't throw a tantrum when they're not presented in the best of light. It happens.
Brilliantly written. I totally approve.
Christine:
Shoot...where did I get branded "nasty misogynist with a computer"? I totally missed that and must read it...gotta be good for a chuckle...
Does no one know the word "misandrist" anymore? No, no one does not.
Oh, damn, RenEv....now 'ya up and done it.
Ony you could manage to tick off both the radfems AND the MRAs...at the same freakin' time.
Ahhh, guys (and especially Anonymous): You do know that you are commenting on a woman who actually LIKES men, likes sex, and does sex work, do you??? Her goal is NOT to deny you total access to women; it is just to have you respect their feelings and desires a bit more. There IS a difference.
It's the overbearing "overlord" aspect that RenEv is talking about here; not men seeking sex acts for their own pleasure.
Nice job again, dear.
Anthony
Of course, what I'd like to see it the face when he says "Great! So after you use the strap-on on me, I'll put it on and double your pleasure!"
That's the one problem: I, for one, would call the bluff in a second. Dominic included.
Then again, for most of the idiots I share gender with, this is right fucking on.
These only work when the man wants sex more than the woman...
...or the man wants sex with her more than he gets it elsewhere.
If not, it ends up sucking for the woman.
Excellent! Perfect for this morning when I'm sick and feel like shit, but still have to go to class to take quiz/turn in paper/shoot self in face. Thanks!
I hope this was kind of tongue-in-cheek, but I actually found it quite sad. Why would anyone be in a relationship in which two people treated each other with such little respect with regard to their sexual desires? I think that "perversion" can be defined as "what a closed-minded person calls the things enjoyed by an open-minded person." If two partners can't discuss the things they like in an open and caring way, should they really be partners?
Kay-
It was most certainly written in a sarcastic tone, and to be grimly amusing.
I think the funniest part would actually be the look on the guys face, I think the Dominic one would get the best response from him.
Ren,
I think you should do a 'Man Camp.' Dr. Phil ain't got nothin' on you. I'd pay to get my shit broken down and built back up in "Renegade Evolution's Cro-Magnon to Man" workshop.
MJ-
hehe, thanks.
I have actually employed many of thes myself in the past.
Responding to "Why don't you want to have anal?" with "Sure, why don't we try you first?" garnered a particularly amusing pouty-faced reaction, especially since I then pointed out that if it was really really important to him he was perfetly free to go find someone who was as interested as he was. You know that you've conclusively wom an argument when the other party says "you're mean!" and stomps off in a huff.
Belledame "If you're doin' it? You should be able to say it."
This rule also applies to toys and other misc accountrements. If one is not grown-up enough to say "pass me the lube" then one is probably not grown up enough to be using it, either.
I missed this the first time around, but it's hilarious. "You first" gets surprisingly positive and fun results, some of the time!
I understand this was meant to be read with a grain of salt and understanding that *gasp* Ren was being sarcastic, but I still find a small double-standard here. Yes, I understand that there are some unfortunate douche-bags prone to douche-baggery of the first order out there, but since when does fighting fire with fire put out the...well... FIRE?
Most of the replies felt like overkill... I mean, most of the "Penis-bearing Overload" remarks seemed rather sensible and restrained. A clear description of what a partner desires should not be answered by barbed wit and disregard to one's feelings.
As a man, I don't just listen to my partner's needs in the bedroom but I'm, most often, EXPECTED to satisfy them, as my worth is often measured in how well I "perform". As a violinist, I perform all the time because I want to but the moment I'm forced to, it just doesn't feel right. But none of the "Penis-bearing overload" comments were forcing anything on anybody. Since when is asking for something a crime punishable by abject humiliation?
I'm sure if the quote read thusly:
"Vagina-wielding Mistress of Menstrual Doomy Doom": Honey, I'd really enjoy it if you go down on me.
"Penis-bearing jackoff": No thanks. I'll just keep looking down on you instead.
or
"Vagina-wielding Mistress of Menstrual Doomy Doom": Love, can you please pay more attention to my breasts during sex?
"Penis-bearing jackoff": The minute you grow some, sure!
Doesn't sound so appealing, does it? I understand that for ages and ages, there have been loads of sexual expectations of women, but now it's starting to balance out....by placing expectations on men. In a real, modern, 50-50 relationship (which should be what we all strive for), expectations or limitations shouldn't be lifted off the woman and then placed on the male. They should just be lifted. If a man shares his sexual desires or fantasies, they shouldn't just be logged off because obviously the man is "clinging to notions of old" or is a "cro-magnon imbecile" while a woman sharing her sexual desires and feelings is "empowered", or perhaps her fantasies and sexual desires are just simply more important than her penis-bearing overload's.
Give me a break. This is not a gender war, so there is no need to fight each other. The ultimate goal of feminism should be equality and understanding, but the methods of progress should not resemble street-fighting and hate, because then you're not really making much of a case for your cause. After all, someone once wisely said: "Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity."
Hmmm...
Perhaps an post titled: 'Pussy-Bearing Baroness' may well establish a meaningful balance to what has been offered up here as a sarcastic assistance on dealing with male humans seeking the prurient.
I do think equity is a critical feature over-looked by many (includes both male and female) flighting the throes of a relationship.
I would have preferred a much less sarcastic-toned article to deal with men on these issues.
Why?
1) Frankly, some of your points are absurd here, Ren. Someone stating they could 'go for a blowjob' is no fucking different than a woman asking, appropriately, that she could 'go for some clit licking'.
Since when can't people just fucking be people and not be required at all times to fucking employ Miss Manners shit every single time they need some sort of sexual interaction? OH- I forgot, men are fucking Attila the Huns who have to be micro-managed to the hilt.
Any chick who's backbone can't handle THIS kind of comment from time to time ain't WORTHY of sucking my cock.
Man! Hell, if she had any worries about the fucking sexual etiquettes required to get me to suck HER clit I would take pains to make sure she can get THAT out of her mind (and I have, to great success).
There are no such rules here in this relationship. Just FUCKING 'be' is all I ask.
One some days people are just more aggressive, so be it.
2) Equity is so critical that I DO believe a thoughtful and strong statement would have far more impact if it did not intersect with male-bashing which tends to sift out man-hating librarians. What does this fucking accomplish?
Equity 101:
You DON'T fucking ask your wife/girlfriend for an FFM if you can't meet HER requirement for a MMF!
You DON'T fucking ask your wife/girlfriend to take your cock up her ass if you refuse to take a plastic one up yours!
______________________
LOVE the blog. Can't stay away. Keep up the good work!
Fucking hell, I wish I'd discovered your blog years ago. I could've used this kind of advice...
Evil Dickwielder: "I want to have sex with other people, but if you say no I will just cheat on you anyways."
Evil Dickwielder: "I want to fuck a fat woman. But, like, I don't actually care about her, I just want to stick it in her."
True story. I really could've used some of your sass lessons! ;)
glad you enjoyed it, tis an oldie but a goodie
Oh shit! I just found your blog tonight and it's keeping me up all night...I love it!
you are my heroine.
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