Let's Talk About...Sex!

A lot of people like it, a lot of people have it; a lot of people get nervous about it. Everyone has their own style, their own requirements, their own feelings about it. Some people want more, some people want less, some figure they have it just right. Some people do it for love, some people do it for fun, and some people even do it for money. Parents dread talking to their children about it. Children probably dread having their parents talking to them about it. Some people want nothing to do with it, or have been hurt by it. Some people think it’s the greatest thing in the world. But one thing is for certain…nothing charges or thrills or embarrasses or interests a great many people quite like sex. Even the word makes a few people weak in the knees.

Heh. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex!!!

Yeah, I am a fan of the sex. No doubt. Now granted, my ideas of good sex are very, very different from the average Jane’s I would wager, but no matter your kink, or lack there of, I do think there are some common problems folk, especially the female kind, have with sex. So yeah, let’s talk about some of those things.

I think one of the big problems people have with sex, and one that affects a great many other issues or problems people have with sex is shame or embarrassment. Sex, in and of itself is not dirty, or wrong, or immoral. Truth is, it’s pretty natural. One of those big instinctual drives and all, but here in the states (and countless other places), there is still that strong, if rather lingering, thought that sex, unless done for very specific reasons and in very specific contexts, is, well, wrong. Shameful. Bad. And anything even a little off the beaten path (BDSM, anal, homosexuality, multiple partners) is even more so. Y’all know I heartily disagree with that noise by now, but the feeling is pervasive out there none the less. Now, I’ve got no problem with people who have more conservative views on sex; that it is a very intimate act, almost sacred, so on…so long as they don’t make a habit of forcing that view on others. I have no problem with people who find certain acts or attractions (between consenting adults, of course) unusual, or not for them, something they would not do or be comfortable with…so long as they don’t try to force those views on other consenting adults. Hey, you probably know by now, I am of the mind if you are consenting adults…with other consenting adults, do what gets you going and gets you off.

But I am weird like that.

However, I do think that embarrassment/shame thing carries a lot of weight, even in the hearts and heads of a lot of otherwise open-minded, live and let live type of folk. Especially women in many cases. Why? Well, because of that whole “raised to be good girls” thing. Girls grow up with a lot of shame wrt to sex, that lingering “guardians of morality” business, and even if they do grow up and into pretty ‘sexually moral’ women…it affects their sex lives.

How so, you might quarry? Welll…a lot of otherwise assertive, on top of it, alpha gals- and those who aren’t- turn a little odd in the bedroom. Suddenly, it’s like they cease being able to communicate, let alone express their desires. They are afraid or ashamed to ask for what they want, tell their partners what works for them or gets them off. They feel selfish or shameful or greedy if they ask for certain acts, or positions, or aspects of foreplay that they enjoy…because there is that lingering shame, or fear, or responsibility. That false yet still creeping theory that women aren’t necessarily supposed to like sex, or want sex, or enjoy sex. They are supposed to be the guardians of morality and all. I remember how floored I was when I read about how many women have never had orgasms, and every time I hear a woman say she’s never had one. My first initial thought is “what the hell are you doing wrong?” And I think I’ve come to the conclusion that what they are doing wrong is not talking. Being embarrassed to experiment, ask for, tell, explore, request, look into what might or will get the job done. I know grown women who will argue with anyone all the day long about anything but are embarrassed to ask their partners for cunnilingus. I know successful, otherwise bad ass females who are ashamed to admit that they like and enjoy certain positions more than others to their partners…let alone request them. I know women who pretty much never enjoy sex, but rather endure it, because they are embarrassed to ask for what they want, and would rather “suffer in silence” as it were than be seen as wanton, lustful…um…sexual and into it.

It makes me want to cry, really. Not all sex is great, even good…but suffering constantly through bad sex because you’re embarrassed to speak up and say what might make it better???

Waaaaaa! It makes the Renegade sad! Every consenting adult who wants it is entitled to good sex, dammit!!! Pursuit of happiness and all that! (Sorry, US centric moment, but yeah). This lingering bullshit not only affects the sex itself, but also contributes to body shame, women’s refusal to seek help for sexual dysfunctions, and yep, women’s failure to report sexual abuse and rape. Because they, the women, feel guilty, dirty, shamed…and that shit, as they say, is just wrong.

We did female desire week? Can we have a female “just say no” to sexual shame week? Get some folk to talk about why some things make them feel shameful and why? What pressures put upon women lead to bad sex, and what things make for good sex? Can we bust out of the moral ball and chain and just get freaky?

It’s spring, ffs! The flowers are in bloom! The birds are chirping’ in the blue sky! Let’s hear it for good sex!