…’cause it’s a cold day in hell!Porn. I like porn. I make porn. Y’all know that. Hell, seems to be I am the high-scorer on the A squad of Team Yay Porn. I even like the porn sex in my private life. However, despite the constant denial of some of my critics, I too can be critical of porn. Which I’m about to be. Right now. Why, you might query?
Well, as I’ve said before, and as I am saying right now, and as I am sure I will have to say in the future, Porn Is Absolutely Shitty Sex Education. It sucks as sex education. It is, quite possibly, the worst excuse/form/whatever of sex education out there. Porn is adult entertainment. Pornographers and porn performers are adult entertainers. Sex Education rarely if ever enters the mind of a lot people in the porn biz, and yeah, they would do themselves a huge favor if they made porn less accessible to minors, but with the internet, file sharing, downloading, free sites, so on, I don’t even really know how much that would help. Either way, it is known that kids, male and female, are looking at porn and taking it as some form of sexual education, and that is not at all what it’s for, and the messages they are getting out of it in regards to sex & sex ed are totally inane, misinformed, and even dangerous.
Yeah, you heard me right.
Now, for the purposes of this rant, assume when I say “some” I mean a fraction of, subset of, or smaller sized portion of any given group, i.e., a minority. When I say “a lot” I mean a larger group, larger section of, perhaps half of said group. When I say many, I mean a majority…. got it? Okay.
So, anyway, as I flit about the internet, reading blogs, articles, and yeah, lookin’ at porn, I often see many women discussing the type of sex men-those who watch porn- seem to want or ask for and how much it annoys or upsets them. I have no reason not to believe them, why would I? Sure, some women dig the porn sex, but many do not. And if studies are to be believed, well, a lot of dudes are getting the vast majority of their sexual education from porn. This, true believers, is a problem. Because while some women do like the porn sex, many absolutely do not…well, let’s make it simple:
-A lot of women do not like anal sex. Many have no desire what so ever for a dude to go banging away in there like a mad man. Many do not like being asked/begged/cajoled for it on the second date or every time you fuck. Many also know that anal sex requires prep and lots of lube and a considerate partner, not a jackhammer or some dude who is going to try to sneak it in there.
-Many women have no desire what so ever to have a man ejaculate on her face or anywhere else on her body.
-Many women like dressing sexy on special or rare occasions. A lot of women like dressing sexy sometimes. Only some women like dressing sexy all of the time, and even less than some are perfectly happy wondering around flashing ass with their tits hanging out as a general rule.
-A lot of women do not like swallowing cum. Many women do not like licking it off things. Many do not like smearing it all over themselves or having you smear it on them.
-Many women have no desire whatsoever to do ATM, and are horrified at the idea.
-A lot of women do not like being manhandled, tossed around, or fucked rough.
-A lot of women have no desire whatsoever for you to slap their faces, asses or tits with your hands or dick.
-A lot of women do not, ever, want your hands on, near, or around their throats.
-A lot of women do not like throat fucking, gagging, having their hair pulled or head grabbed during oral sex.
-A lot of women have no desire whatsoever to fuck more than one dude at the same time.
-A lot of women do not like a guy being grabby.
-Many women detest being called “slut”, “whore”, “bitch”, “cunt”, “skank”, “cumdumpster” or any other assorted degrading name- in or out of a sexual situation.
-Many women are not 36 D’s, Double D’s, Larger than Double D’s, with 24 inch waists, no excess body fat, and hairless. A lot of women have no desire to have bodies like that. Nor do they travel around with hairstylists and make up artists.
-Many women who dress sexy are not actually looking for someone to fuck.
-A lot of women have no desire to have you push, pull, tear, rip off or otherwise remove their clothing prior to or during sex.
-A lot of women are rather picky about where they will have sex and with whom.
-A lot of women have no interest in F/F/M threesomes.
-Many women like foreplay, above and beyond having their nipples tweaked like you’re trying to tune in your stereo and a few licks to the cunt to get it wet. Speaking of nipples/tits- a lot of women do like to have them played with, but not necessarily gnawed on, pulled like taffy, or otherwise handled roughly. If she’s going to go down on you, and likes the same in return, do it, for an equal amount of time.
-Many women have no desire to ever, for whatever reasons, end up with a gaping asshole or vagina.
-A lot of women do not enjoy being straight out pounded hard enough to make their teeth rattle. Even those that do, well, some of them want some slower time in there too.
-Many women have no desire for you to film or photograph them having sex or masturbating.
-A lot women do not like or need a running commentary during sex, nor to they like answering questions…or even talking much at all.
And of course, since the dudes aren’t the only ones, after all, some women watch porn…
-Many men do not have dicks 9 inches or bigger.
-Many men, without aid of chemicals, cannot fuck like a machine for 30-90 minutes.
-A lot of men are hairy.
-Many men are not athletic or muscular.
-Many men do not like fucking rough.
-Many men find women gagging on their dicks unpleasant and painful…I imagine bile can sting.
-A lot of men have no desire for you to stick a finger in their ass, especially if you have long nails.
-A lot of men have no desire to call you names.
-A lot of men do not enjoy being bitten, scratched, or having their hair pulled either.
-A lot of men don’t like having their heads grabbed or forced while they are performing oral sex either.
-A lot of men have no desire to fuck you with another or other men.
-Hell, some men have no desire to fuck you and another/ other women at the same time.
-A lot of men do not like having their dicks grabbed.
-A lot of men cannot or do not want to pound you senseless the whole way through.
-A lot of men have no desire to be filmed while fucking you.
-A lot of men do not like having their faces, balls, asses or dicks slapped or otherwise roughly handled.
-A lot of men are not going to be physically able to hold you up while fucking you, or fuck you while standing up.
-A lot of men do not like a running commentary, questions, or even talking during sex.
And for both sexes…
-A lot of people have no desire to try fucking in the reverse pile driver or other porn positions. Many of the positions in porn have a high degree of difficulty, much like gymnastics or figure skating.
-A lot of people have no desire to fuck in a alley, or a car, or in the stall of a public restroom, or the back corner of a club, or out in the woods, or in other strange/seedy/dangerous locations.
-A lot of folk do not like being tied up, pinned down, blindfolded, using toys, ect.
-A lot of people do have some kink or another, do not assume one kink means someone else is open to or in favor of others, or that any of those kinks are ones you have seen in porn.
-Real sex…well, strange things happen in real sex. People fart, sneeze, cough, lose erections, cannot get wet, don’t squirt, need to reposition often, suffer from achy joints, make weird noises, so on so forth (they do in porn too, you just don’t often see it).
-Talk about what you enjoy, don’t enjoy, when you are in the mood, when you aren’t, and all that other good stuff.
-Most people like to be respected and have their desires taken into consideration in sex. There is more to it a lot of the time than just fucking…
-And oh yeah…
Unless you want to get pregnant, and know your partner is disease free? Use protection- the more the better…every time.
And see, in a lot of porn, you learn none of that. You see none of that. None at all. You see often surgically enhanced women who are always ready and up for anything. You see studly dudes with huge dicks who are hard at the snap of fingers and can fuck for extended periods without a problem. You see anal and facials and girls squirting on a dudes face and all kinds of weird positions, dp, and ass licking and ball squeezing and all kinds of stuff a lot of people have no desire to do or experience. You see gape shots and cum swapping and rough oral. You hear name-calling and see people fucking in weird places. You don’t see a lot of mutual human consideration, or even kissing in a lot of porn. And what you don’t see in a lot of porn is use of safer sex practices.
And that, all of that above, is crap sex education. It may be (IMHO) great adult entertainment, but it is crap sex ed. The people in those movies? They’ve discussed, prepared, been tested, signed on to do whatever sex acts they are doing, do it for a living. It’s their business, and sometimes, not even all that indicative of their normal sex lives. But you don’t see that, you don’t hear that. And sure, if some consenting adult folk want to try something they’ve seen in porn, well, so long as all parties involved are down with it, go for it, for them it may be educational, but as far as 18 year old dude expecting his girlfriend to take it up the ass while blowing his best friend? Or 18 year old girls thinking all dudes have 10 inch dicks that will get and stay hard for 45 minutes or that they have to be into bisexual threesomes?
Yeah, not so much. Not so much at all. Some people are into that…many are not.
So once again, I plead, I heartily plead to the people: Do Not Let Adult Entertainment, Adult Entertainers, and their Products serve as Sex Education- Because it sucks as sex ed, and why yes, can even be dangerous- both physically and emotionally.
Okay, you can take off your skates now.
67 comments:
something just occurred to me that's so obvious somebody's bound to have done it. it's just that i don't watch enough porn to be aware of it.
could a porn studio make a sex ed instructional video? sort of like, porn stars X and Y discuss the basics of sex and reproductive biology, with close-up demonstrations and frank talk about just how unrealistic adult entertainment can get and how it differs from everyday sex, comparing and contrasting.
i imagine the raunch level could be dialled up or down depending on how tightly you wanted to keep the audience's attention (aimed at teens, probably) and how badly you wanted to scandalize that audience's parents and teachers. depending on where you set it, distribution might have to be limited to porn stores, of course.
hm, getting the thing to pay for itself might not be possible. and i wonder if any of the usual charity donors would be willing to pay for it, either. if it hasn't been done, maybe we can blame that fact.
I am the high-scorer on the A squad of Team Yay Porn
hahahahahaha
right on! i've heard so many men stammer 'but, but, so every girl DOESN'T like having cum shot right in her face?!' please.
just because something LOOKS hot on screen doesn't mean it translates well in real life to you and your partner(s). people don't seem to get that porn stars are acting.
i did a show once where i had to flip over a chair and land, spread-eagle, at the center of it, pushing it down to the ground. sure, it looked hot, but no one in the audience knew that i had to ICE MY THIGHS before going out onstage just to numb them up. i had to tell groups of ladies afterward not to try it at at home.
This is exactly the kind of thought that I expected when I saw your “coming soon” post. Unfortunately, for a lot of people, porn is their only source for Sex Ed. I am thinking about the “abstinence only” nonsense that the Feds are pushing down our throats. When you couple AOSE with porn people are going to get a really distorted view of reality.
Porn needs to be viewed in the proper context. It is fantasy, not education.
Excellent post BTW
Outis
Well said! This has always been my issue with my kids having porn- that it would, in their unformed teenage minds, lead to unrealistic expectations for themselves and their partner. If they're going to be discovering sex, I want them to do it without notions from pornography. It's not that I am violently opposed to porn in general, but that there requires a certain level of emotional maturity to keep it from causing problems between 2 real individuals in a real setting.
great post, Ren.
it's like using "gone with the wind" as a substitute for a survey course in The History of the American Southeast, Antebellum to Reconstruction.
This rocks, Ren.
anon--there are some that do tend more toward that sort of thing--Nina Hartley, say--but while her "educational" stuff is a lot more realistic than the fantasy videos, I'd say it's still fairly porn-flavored, not something I'd give to the Young and the Clueless first off.
Candida Royalle does stuff like that too, I take it.
and there are of course "educational" videos out there from less mainstream or less "porn" per se people. Betty Dodson, for instance, has a few vids that you can rent from such places as Toys in Babeland or Blowfish; and there are various lesbian sex-ed vids, "She's Safe!" for one; and Shar Rednour/SIR productions have a few things as well. "Healing Sex" in particular is great not so much for mechanics but for boundary setting and communication for sex abuse survivors.
Nony: What Belle said, and while not sex videos, i know belladonna has done some safer sex practices speeches on her myspace page, which can also be found on YouTube.
This is why I really, really like you.
"A lot of people do have some kink or another, do not assume one kink means someone else is open to or in favor of others, or that any of those kinks are ones you have seen in porn."
I want to give this as a hand out to future sex partners.
Thanks, R.E. Great post. Thanks for including the men-folk's perspective, as well. I'm not about to go out and buy some Viagra so that I can compete with a porn actor (the "if you experience erections lasting longer than four hours" warning is a bit off-putting). I prefer to focus on what matters, which is how my partner and I relate to each other. It's great to get this perspective from a professional, too.
kimb: perhaps it could be printed on a set of business cards and passed out to potential partners ;)
CS: Thanks...and I would think the 4 hours would scare a lot of men, frankly...
Nice post. I agree, the significant concern is teens (or younger). Less so, early 20s. I think men older than that have more of a reality check that this, like Disney movies, is fantasy. Obviously there are exceptions to that, but those are the guys who also think Disney moview are real.
Octo: I think the disney analogy is a bit off...I mean, a cartoon is obviously fantasy. I know dudes who honestly expect all women to fuck like porn women and assume that because the women in porn dig it that all women do, after all, the women in porn (contrary to some assumptions) are not cartoons. They're people. Who seem to get off on some strange stuff. And really, if a man has not seen or been told otherwise, I can see where it would be easy to take the porn women's reactions in porn as...well, what women like. Which is why I think it is important to sit the boys down and say "okay, listen..."
I mean sure, some women do love the porn sex. I'm one of 'em, and yeah, I have had to have that discussion/explain that to some guys who HAVE had decent sex educations ("You mean you really DO like that?" "Ayep, I do.") But the impressions, from unrealistic bodies on both sexes to the positions and acts in porn, well, if that is all someone has to go off of, it's a sure bet their regular /real sex lives are gonna be a big old mess.
I mean, okay, baby oil. A lot of folk get seriously oiled up in porn because it looks good on film. Some people even dig it in real sex, but it's MESSY, and it's NOT a substitute for lube, but if that's what ya see and no one tells you otherwise???
And if the number of women complaining about dudes wanting to cum on their faces and saying "doesn't everyone do that?" is any indication???
Urm, yeah. Crap sex ed.
Mmm...I love this post.
Yes, dudes, if you try to come on a girl's face, you will most likely get semen in her eye, and this is fucking painful. Just saying.
Thanks for this.
damn, i can see a whole post on facial cum shots themselves might be in order.
My response to this:
Well, Ren...porn is supposed to suck as sex education....because it's not supposed to be a replacement for sex education in the first place!!!
It's only purpose is to create images designed to stimulate people's fantasies....and ultimately, to get them turned on, and to get them off.
Yes, too many people do rely on porn as an ad-lib substitute for sex ed...especially considering that the consensus voice regarding sex-ed these days consists of basically:
(1) "Godly-created sex is reserved for "tradiional marriage"; and making babies for Jesus; and those who defy His will are sluts and perverts who deserve casting into Hell...with our help";
(2) But...if you do plan on sinning, please be real quiet about it as to not trample the horses too much...it's not as if we can do much to stop 'ya, anyway....
But never, never, allow for real sex education that allows adolescents and young adults to have genuine spaces for acknowledging and questioning their own sexuality...oh, noes, that would lead straight to PROMISQUITY!!! Masturbation in every steet corner!! Gay pride parades...no, gay bath houses in every Southern village!!! Oh, the horror!!!!
Now, self-hating ex-gay politicos soliciting sex in public bathrooms or Catholic priests fondling kids behind their confessionals: that's perfectly acceptable...as long as we can blame those dirty feminists/gay activists/Planned Parenthood slut enablers/"secular progressives" for causing their plight, and they immediately seek the sanctuary of "Jesus as their personal savior" and vote to maintain the right-wing Puritan line that much stronger.
And yet, porn is to blame for the lack of sex education????
Well, it does play a part...but I doubt that it's the main reason.
[Boy.....my rant is on today.]
Anthony
Again....in NO FREAKIN' WAY is what I vented in the last comment intended to diminish the whole of Ren's blast....a lot of producers in the biz could use a couple of gentle nudges on the shoulder; and more than a few could use a swift kick in the ass.
But overall, it's a reflection of the outer world; not a cause thereof.
Anthony
Right -- the Disney thing was a bit facetious. Nobody actually believes in cartoons, but some guys do believe in the Disney ideal of pure innocent women needing rescue. The flip side of the Madonna/Whore thing, and problematic in a different way.
AK: Well, hence my repeated mantra of Porn Is Adult Entertainment...
and hell, my thoughts on sex ed are pretty well known, I think they are even on the greatest hits/worst misses list....
Good one Ren.
You know, part of the reason I love reading you is because you're funny. Even when dealing with serious subjects, you often manage to inject humor. I know you have a rep for being grim and angry, but you really do have a great (if strange) sense of humor.
comes right down to it, the point really should be obvious and simple: stuff people are willing to pay money to watch as entertainment probably isn't your everyday, ho-hum everybody-does-that sort of activities. those're documentaries, and while they have their place on PBS, few people would whack off to 'em.
should be obvious, but at the age when sex ed is needed the most, points like that might not've clicked quite yet. so yeah, it probably does need stating outright every so often.
Man you could do a great segment on MythBusters. I suppose this means my planned retirement job isn't gonna pan out either.
I do question whether it is taken all that much as sex education, though. It's like some of the romantic plots in mainstream movies. Yes, some people believe anything they see on the tube (note MythBusters), but there is usually some skepticism. And skepticisms land like a ladel of hot steel on the head of any guy without the wit to listen to "No.", only many degrees hotter.
I just want to add that "more" isn't always better when it comes to certain types of protection. Certainly, use several different types of protection at once--avoid sharing body fluids like blood, use gloves, engage in behaviors that you understand and feel comfortable with (or can live with the risk). However, using more than one condom at a time can lead to breakages, rendering them basically useless. This includes using a "male" condom with a Reality condom. Just in case this internet post is replacing sex education for some people!
Fabulous post, Ren... I'll be linking you this weekend!! :) ((kisses))
I wonder if it might not be a bad idea that right after the "All the performers are over 18" thing at the begining if the industry shouldn't also place a "Remember kids, this in *NO* way should be considered a sexual instructional video..." Or other sort of humor like wording that would let everyone know that porn is not an instructional video...
And Church Secretary, I don't see that as a side effect... :P
I'm a woman, I very much enjoy watching porn and I prefer my sex rough and kinky in real life. Pretty much everything you mentioned in your list is something I love doing/having done to me. If I had the body for it, I might actually be IN porn, because why not get paid for it, right?? However, I do agree that it's prevalence and easy availability on the 'net has skewed the younger generation's (I'm 40) ideas of what's "normal" and as you say, that's not cool. The thing is, is there a real, viable solution to this that doesn't amount to censorship? Because let's face it, NO sex education, no matter how practical and non-abstinence oriented, is going to give teens information about the pleasure side of sex, and if porn is available, they're going to find it. So what's the solution? Any ideas?
This is absolutely spot on. Sad times we live in when it's something that has to be said at all.
Ruth: I think parents, schools and communities need to step up and teach it.
This is so true. If I mention to a guy that I'm bisexual, he almost always assumes that I'll want to have a FFM threesome. Maybe I'm not into sharing sexual partners, and being bi doesn't automatically mean I am. WTF.
I think there's a case to be made for porn as a component within one's sexual education. Here's how it's worked out for me (male, 21): I got the usual basic sex-ed from parents and school. I got a better in depth understanding and theoretical framework from the internet, places like this. Porn, though, is part of my masturbation routine, which is also part of sex-ed, it seems to me. It works into the side of things where I work to better know myself, my reactions to various activities, notions, and stimuli.
Porn is, as you've made the case here, terrible as a guide to how to do anything, or what to expect from other people. But I think there's a use for it in self-exploration, once you understand that it's the only possible take-away message from it is in that sort of thing.
This IS an excellent post, Ren.
Going back to read it again ...
I <3 this post.
Thanks for all of that! I knew about 96% of that stuff you posted even before I read it. Even people who love porn needs a lesson to review what is and what isn't. I earned the other 4% today. I will remember all of that when I am on my blog.
And if all of what you posted such as blowing cheese was in porn vids, it would be well over 15 hours long, not two to five hours long.
And while we are on the topic, everyone should know real sex education is learned by talking, not by viewing porn or using sex toys.
Wow. I can certainly see why you like porn. Gee, what's not to like?
Great post, Ren. Though I have to admit, I actually did learn to do a blowjob from a porn video some 20 years ago. But it was set up as one woman teaching another how to do it. I think in my naivete I might have actually just literally blown on the damn thing.
damn, i can see a whole post on facial cum shots themselves might be in order.
Oh, please do. I am so, so fucking sick of dudes asking to come on my face, or getting pissed off when I tell them I'll suck them off, but I don't want semen in my mouth. And yet they can never articulate *why* this is so vitally important to them.
I'm also rather sick of dudes who assume that because I like to fuck and because I'm perfectly happy with NSA arrangements that I must be willing to do anything. Some things are simply out of bounds for me, and I say so. And yet, there are some guys who don't take that seriously.
Though they usually don't try to hold me down or bind my hands after I told them what I did to the last guy who tried to do that to me after I told him not to. Even though he only need two stitches.
...use gloves...
I suppose I'm not being "on message", but, -gag-. There's safer sex and then there's overkill.
IACB, how are you interpreting that remark, though? Gloves *for what*?
Really I don't see any reason *not* to use gloves when I finger someone's butt... however STD-free the person might be, there are still bacteria possibilities. When you factor in just how freaking often I have hangnails... yeah um, not giving gloves up any time soon, for that at least.
Annony #3, I don't think that is so much sex education as sexual exploration on your part. No one is saying that porn can't and shouldn't be used in that way. I would hazard a guess that a number of folks, both male and female may find something in porn that helps them explore their sexuality more. What I think Ren is saying here is that a *LOT* of teenagers today end up turning to porn as a form of sex education, the how to manual for both sexes, *BECAUSE* they don't get the same type of conversations you had in your youth.
A large chunck of knoledge is missing from today's sex education, even when the simple biology is taught there are a lot of mental components that aren't. These are the kind of things kids pick up from porn, and it's not exactly the best information available.
What Carson Said.
Porn can certainly add a lot to sex for an adult or an adult consenting couple and all...but serving as a sole source of sex ed for young people...without any other sort of input or conversation? Not good.
what trin said wrt gloves. plus also y'know some people do dig the latex, it is possible...the "snap" of the glove can produce a rather mm Pavlovian response...just saying.
Another 'yes, please!' to a facial comeshot post. My last fling asked if he could come on my face and then kept asking after I said no (do not want semen in my eyes, thanks). Ugh.
IACB,
Gloves are overkill? Really?
Hematopoetic's comment didn't say what exactly one should use gloves *for*, but I mean personally, my partner and I almost always use gloves for assplay. Why? That's some sensitive skin down there and fingernails can do serious damage. Also, instead of having to break away to wash one's hands when moving from ass to pussy, one can just remove the glove. (I assume you know that going straight from ass-to-pussy is a big no-no that can lead to UTIs or other infections. *That* is one thing I have a *huge* problem with when it's shown in porn. It's not shown often [that I've seen, anyway], but I have seen it, and it makes me jump up and down in a bad way.)
Also, I've *never* been with a guy who assumed that the default would be him coming on my face, so I admit I'm a little blown away (har) by people recounting just that experience. Could my experience really be that rare? Is this really that common of an expectation? Maybe with younger, less experienced guys? I don't know...
Re: latex gloves and dental dams
If you have a latex fetish, more power to you, and I suppose if you're doing stuff like anal fisting, there's probably good reason for it.
But while I believe in the general approach of "safer sex", the "total latex" approach is simply not to everyones taste (it very much isn't to mine), and I'm not a big believer in having to use gloves for hand-to-genital contact or dental dams for cunnilingus. Particularly since there's precious little evidence that these are significant vectors of STDs at all. (I could only imagine open-mouth kissing would also be out under this "no contact with bodily fluids" approach.)
And I'm sorry, but safe sex rules that are you not only need to use condoms, but you MUST use latex gloves and you MUST use dental dams and you MUST learn to eroticize these things ("hey, I did and you can too..."). Its just not a good harm-reduction approach, because a lot of people aren't going to practice something this over-the-top and you risk losing people on the basic idea of safer sex if this is the standard you insist on.
IACB, who said anything about not taking a harm reduction approach? You're the one who said "overkill", implying there was something wrong with other people's risk minimization practices. I for one didn't say anything about yours.
With all due respect, Trin and Amber, I do think that IACB does make a legitimate point.
What may sound like an obvious safety prevention to one may look like excessive overkill to another, depending on the individual situation and perspective.
For example, someone who is very restrictive with the number and variety of his/her partners when performing what appears to be dangerous sex acts (such as AtM or other "circus" sex acts like double anal or double vaginal) might feel comfortable enough with their partners's "cleanliness" and their own preparations that they may decide to forego such "safe sex" precautions.
What bothers me slightly about some "safe sex" advocates is that sometimes they can become as evangelical about their practices as some fundamentalists can get about their own sexual practices being innately "superior" to those who promote less sanctioned practices....and it can sometimes come across as less friendly and more like preaching and insulting to those not so suited.
For most regular folk, this can create a real backlash to the effect of: "So, you think you are better because you practice this 'safer sex'?? It wouldn't be so needed if you would not be such sluts and open your legs and zippers for every man/woman you see. We don't need your freakin' 'safe sex' because we restrict ourselves exclusively to our significant others; and we trust each other not to fool around with anyone else. So there."
There is also a just as popular independent rebel streak of some performers who simply don't want to follow the herd and simply will take the risk of "unprotected" sex as part of the thrill ride. "I've done this for so long and it hasn't affected me yet; why should I stop now??"
This isn't saying that promoting safer sex isn't important or needed.....just that those who advocate it much be respectful for the fact that some performers and viewers just may not go for it....even with it's obvious health and harm prevention benefits.
Also....there is one important caveat involving using latex gloves as protection during anal play: using silicone-based lube combined with silicone-based sex toys may dissolve and/or rupture latex gloves to the point of damage; which is why it is highly suggested to use water-soluble lubes and wrap silicone toys with conventional condoms first if you are going to use gloves.
Anthony
Sad to say, I'm a "victim" of porn-as-sex-ed. It's beyond awful...
Thanks so much for writing this! In these days of abstinence only education, I worry that porn is taking its place for a lot of kids. Maybe I'm wrong, but it certainly seems to be taking its place for a lot of 20-somethings.
I love sex, and I have experimented with plenty of stuff. My h and I have, for example, had incredible anal sex.
However, I find most porn, especially gonzo porn, boring and unsatisfying, especially for the woman. Foreplay seems to consist entirely of her fellating him (and if she does get head, it lasts FAR less time), the marathon penetration doesn't seem to result in an orgasm for her, and every film I've seen lately ends with the guy coming on his partner's face. Boring!!!
It all seems so -- not fun. Shouldn't sex be fun?
IACB:
Particularly since there's precious little evidence that these are significant vectors of STDs at all.
Wow. That's the argument that has lesbians convinced they don't need to worry about STIs. It's bullshit.
Take your risk with unprotected oral sex as much as you like, no-one's telling you that you MUST do anything. But don't spread misinformation that those risks don't exist.
I'm not saying that other people's safer sex practices are in any way problematic. If you really feel the need to get rid of even the slightest iota of risk or maybe even have a real liking or fetish things like gloves and dental dams, then by all means, knock yourself out!
But as generalized safe sex advice, saying that latex gloves should always be used for sex that involves hand/finger contact with bodily fluids, the way condoms should always be used for penetrative sex with somebody one is not "body fluid monogamous" with, well, yes, I think that kind of advice is overkill. The more in-depth safe sex literature I've seen differentiates between high-, low-, and very low-risk activities, and is most insistent about using protection for high-risk activities.
And actually, other than that detail, I agree with Haematopoetic's general point: engage in behaviors that you understand and feel comfortable with (or can live with the risk).
If there's anything that actually bugs me about advice to always use gloves and always use dental dams, its the idea that not using total protection for even very low-risk sexual activities somehow falls short of some high-and-mighty standard of sexual responsibility. If that's what the bar is raised to, most people definitely fall short.
For example, someone who is very restrictive with the number and variety of his/her partners when performing what appears to be dangerous sex acts (such as AtM or other "circus" sex acts like double anal or double vaginal) might feel comfortable enough with their partners's "cleanliness" and their own preparations that they may decide to forego such "safe sex" precautions.
Well, sure. I think most of us do that - we make a judgment call as to what is and isn't appropriate for our lives and experiences. I don't think a one size fits all approach is a realistic approach to take with sex ed, but I think it *is* good to educated people about *all* the possible ways of protecting themselves and their partners.
A couple things:
#1: It's really bugging me, and I'm afraid to google, but what's "AtM"?
#2: Another use of gloves that I lately had to explain to a partner is for fairly plain-vanilla fingering of someone who's menstruating. The partner in question thought the icky-blood factor was enough to rule out sex altogether, so gloves were definitely a step up in that situation.
Nick:
AtM; Ass to mouth, when a performer performs oral sex on a dude after he's assfucked them.
*stares at masses of comments and links to post*
Gee, I wonder why you write about porn :P
Well Hexy...this ain't really my typical porn post. Heh.
Oh, I don't know.... it's really expanding on stuff you tend to hint at in your other posts on porn.
AtM; Ass to mouth, when a performer performs oral sex on a dude after he's assfucked them.
...or someone else!
Then the acronyms get really out of hand... "ATOGM" and such...
You know, I'm not sure how much this agrees with what Iamcuriousblue is saying but I do think that, when it comes to sex ed, we need to take into consideration the fact that some people are NOT going to use the latex gloves and condoms that others consider de rigueur. And it isn't necessarily because the non-users are irresponsible or foolish.
I have latex allergies and, while their are more alternatives on the market today and I have access to them, they aren't the stuff that the average teen is going to have lying around the house. I mean, the condom giveaways aren't passing out the expensive condoms, ya' know.
So, I think we need to get beyond just saying use gloves and condoms and dams and deal with the reality that some will not. Once we acknowledge that, we can see what can be done to help those non-users have safer sex practices.
That's just my two pence.
BA: You do raise a good point. I've found that a lot of people who HAVE absorbed the message about barrier protection thinking that they can hence neglect STI testing. Safe(r) sex should be a multi-faceted approach.
Saying that porn isn't good for sex education is like saying cookbooks aren't good for learning about cooking. Sure, tastes differ and most people can't prepare and present food the way professionals can. Nevertheless, people can and do learn from both porn and cookbooks.
Try what you like, and leave the rest.
By the way, so called "humiliating acts" are in the mind of the beholder. There is nothing that I like my partner to do for me that I would not do for her.
Anonymous:
"And sure, if some consenting adult folk want to try something they’ve seen in porn, well, so long as all parties involved are down with it, go for it, for them it may be educational..."
A line, right there, directly from the post, with regards to porn an adults. This post is about porn serving as Sex Ed for Young People. There is a difference. And I don't beleive any sex at is INTRINSICALLY degrading, and yep, there are also people who get off on degradation....my stances on both those things are pretty well known. I am all for people doing what makes them happy, so long as everyone involved as consented to it.
iacb: it depends which STD's you're talking about. HIV, the big one? well, yeah, oral sex and manual sex are gonna be lower-risk than vaginal or anal penetration (or blood exchange); jury is out wrt oral on how -much- lower risk (ever consider stuff like: bleeding gums? cuts? and yeah, what if she's on her period?)
but y'know: then there's, o say, herpes, or thrush, or...maybe compared to HIV they don't -sound- so dire, but y'know: Not Fun.
but I mean yeah: for a while there I wasn't eating hamburger, what with Mad Cow and also all kinds of food poisoning cases. I still eat it now, even rare, sure, because well, I like it, and I pays my money and I takes my chance. Sometimes I ride in a car without a seatbelt. I try not to get into a car with drunk drivers, but I'm sure I've done it once or twice for convenience's sake. Sometimes I take a chance giving my phone number or a piece of personal information to a stranger. All of these things are risky. Life is risky. Thing about sex stuff is, you're taking a chance wrt the risk of -giving- something as well as getting it, depending on how well you've been self-monitoring; lots of stuff doesn't show up right away, you know...
This was put together well. Thank you for taking the time to spread the truth about porn.
1st poster way up the top ^^^ , I am a 13 yr old and I know that porn isn't reality, I don't need a sex-ed video to tell me that. Most teens (like myself) that go on porn do so just for fun - I don't know why all you lot get so worked up about it :D
I absolutely enjoyed this post, first time I've been by.
Things that popped into my head, while reading.
I have a female friend who does like having facial cum shots (shudders).
I have a male friend who recounted going down on a female, working his way lower to rimming and having his partner say "I don't know what you think you're doing but you need to stop it now" and he worked his way back upwards.
Porn sucks for sex ed, it really is, as you said, entertainment. It doesn't not teach safe sex, it doesn't demonstrate discussing with your partner what you are and are not okay with doing.
I *enjoy* watching group sex or reading about it (porn) but don't see that as being something I would get off on, if I were to participate.
"-Many women have no desire what so ever to have a man ejaculate on her face or anywhere else on her body."
How and when and why did that shit start?? Did it like happen by accident one day on a set and the director was just like, "Perfect! Cut! Print! Get that shit on the market pronto!"
That has always confused me.
I am apparantl not most people, and don't want my partner to be either, but i totally agree with you. Porn is horrible sex ed, and always will be.
:D
Post a Comment